


Constellation Consternation

by PhoenixFire_theWizardGoddess



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: But fun, Demo is purportedly the best kisser, M/M, Sniper & Scout are dancing around each other, Spy finds this an affront to his skills, Stargazing, chaotic times on base
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-03 09:08:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10964115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhoenixFire_theWizardGoddess/pseuds/PhoenixFire_theWizardGoddess
Summary: Spy just so happens to discover the rest of the team are under the impression that Demo is the most skilled kisser and romancer on RED. Such a blow to his ego can not be let go so easily, therefore he must confront the explosives expert directly!Meanwhile, Scout & Sniper are working a few things out.





	Constellation Consternation

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Freshsalad](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freshsalad/gifts).



> Requested by @camiluna27/Freshsalad, re: an ask they got about Demo being handsome and the best kisser, bc I was too lazy to make a fic.
> 
>  
> 
> [Alternate title I was too busy laughing at to use: Speaking in Tongues]  
> … .
> 
> The basic headcanon is that Spy KNOWS he’s amazing, but maybe certain team members have all mentioned that Demo is just The Best at kissing, and a handful of other things (and he’s most concerned about Scout knowing that, but the runner is really just yanking his chain and parroting what Sniper told him about the explosives expert).

Rumour has it, around the base, that the resident Demolitions expert happens to be an amazing kisser. Not to mention romantic, funny, friendly... and the list went on, and on, and on; proceeding to get progressively more concerning the longer Spy listened to it. 

He would not have paid attention at all, had the information not come from the Scout's beaming mouth, sending up additional red flags in relation to several paternal feelings he'd  long-since thought repressed. What the espionage agent isn't aware of, is that the runner is yanking his chain; merely repeating what Sniper had told him about Demo, and the pair's secret rendezvous, prior to the sharpshooter's relationship with Scout. 

 

Slightly concerned, but mostly affronted someone dared to claim they are more qualified at seduction techniques and delivering on those unspoken promises then he; he decides to go and confront the Scot directly. His very reputation as a Spy was based upon the skill he had perfected with people of all different types and backgrounds, over the years. How dare Demo think such things about his own prowess?

 

Demo nearly flings a half-completed sticky bomb onto the ceiling, as his door slams open and Spy's accusations begin to rain down on the demolitions expert.  
He listens, nodding along genially to each complaint and french curse with a deadpan expression; trying his damnedest not to smile at the very idea that he might've stolen poor little Scout’s innocence... and how Spy was (in the most roundabout way possible) trying to defend his son’s honour. But in truth, he knew what this was all really about.

 

When Spy finally stops talking, he tilts his head, grins and says, “So ye’re jealous I hadnae gotten around to ye faster, is that it?”

And Spy reels for a moment before stuttering out something most likely _blistering_ in French, the glare focused on him could peel flesh from bone, but it didn't phase the Scot one iota. 

 

“I’ll take that as a yes, then, laddie?” Demo leans back in his chair a long moment, sincerely trying not to laugh at the whole scenario, then stands up. “Well, you know ye could have just asked, right?”

“I would never degrade myself to do such a thing,” Spy snarls back, suddenly questioning why he even came.

“The _asking_ , the _kissing_ , or the fact you’re seething with jealousy that I got to ye last, Spook?” Demo responds, backing the other into a verbal corner.

 

Spy’s expression hardens as he tries to find a verbal retort; though the temptation to flip the bird at the Scot and cloak was incredibly tempting. The worst part was he got the impression that the man was right… and that would sincerely mean he’d lost control of himself, possibly also his sanity.

He was the one who did the seducing, had people unconsciously adoring him, wondering what it would be like if he was to-… and he’d leave it open to interpretation. It was also a challenge, and he disliked someone claiming to be more skillful than himself.

 

Indeed, there may be some other personal motivations, but still… Spy must be the best. Ironically, he was the one who nearly jumped out of his skin when Demo suddenly appeared closer than before, placing a hand to his shoulder. Perhaps the espionage agent had gotten lost in thought, been quiet for far too long, concerningly so; and the other felt the need invade his personal space to such an erroneous degree, to make certain Spy hadn't broken.

“I know I’m a lot to take in, lad, but do ye want a drink to help you get over the shock of wanting tae kiss a Scotsman?” Demo offers, half-jesting, but still holding a bottle of Scrumpy in his free hand.

Spy actually snaps out of his pensive stupor to laugh at that; unfortunately, it just so happened to be the ugly laugh he tried to bury all those years, much to his horror.  
“Oh, _mon amie_ , I do not think that will be necessary… but the offer is appreciated.” he finally says, switching on the suave tone he usually uses, as if that will erase all the deplorable lack of decorum from before(um).

“Alright then lad…” Demo beams, sliding the hand on Spy’s shoulder up to caress the man’s masked cheek. “How about we skip right to the fun part and compare abilities, aye?”

Spy’s lips quirked up in amusement, before snaking a hand around to the other man’s nape, guiding them closer together. “Oh _oui_ , I can stoop to giving you a few pointers…”

\- - -

Sniper, on the other hand, had not exactly been lying about how great Demo just so happened to be at kissing, and quite a few other things. Which had a tendency to put his boyfriend on edge, seeing as Scout wasn’t going to admit it, but he was pretty insecure about a lot of things in relation to this burgeoning partnership between them. Which, unfortunately, meant he tended to be twice as loud and flashy to cover over them; not unlike the near-insufferable bignoting from when he first arrived on base.

In fact, when the mercs had originally banded together, it’d downright pissed Sniper off; not to even _mention_ the others' opinions on the matter. The majority being far less laid back, overall. But it didn’t take the world’s most skilled psychologist to work out the reason.

 

In defence of Scout's paranoia... it was true that Sniper had definitely messed around with a few of the others over the years; but Scout had been hung up on Miss Pauling the whole time, so he’d seemed off limits for casual fun. Not to mention, like the other mercs, they saw Scout as kind of this brash, self-important brat when he arrived; and even daring to glance at physique appreciatively made them feel old, mortal and vaguely guilty.

Perhaps it was the fact he came off as emotionally immature, a child at heart… and ‘at behaviour’ if that was a thing. Medic had clearly tried to make it so, in his documentation of the matter.

But since he’d settled into the team, the kid had… dunno, grown up a little?  
Sniper couldn’t really think of a more delicate way to say it, in all honesty. Didn’t change who Scout was at heart, 'cause he was this great big ball of energy and enthusiasm and sometimes bad ideas - _like whether he could do a backflip off the base roof and land safely_ (he couldn’t)- but he did have a slightly more mature outlook on things. It was in the way he thought before he spoke, unless riled up; how he tended to act more strategically than before, worked with the team instead of racing ahead and dying a thousand times to get to the intel or capture a point.

Sniper could appreciate the change, and so did many of the others.  
However, Sniper was the one that Scout attached to most strongly from day one for some reason… and that’d been fine.

 

At first he’d been under the assumption that the kid either needed a quiet person to vent to, or just some sort of pseudo father figure…  
But then he realised that Engie was clearly playing 'Pa’ with the kid (and Pyro), and if the runner wanted to speak to someone who wouldn’t respond, he could have talked with any of the others. Sniper was the one person who actively listened when Scout talked, and responded; the others were… well, busy, and often commented they did not have time.

But the longer you work with someone, especially as closely as RED did, the more you knew them. Their eccentricities and insecurities; strengths and flaws.  
For example, Scout was personally offended that Sniper had vegemite on his toast of a morning; specially shipped in by Mann Co. as an 'essential supply’ for the aussie. And Sniper was often infuriated to find Scout had left stuff all over the base, in a subconscious effort to remind them all he still existed.

But all that downtime moved them from teammates to friends, to… whatever this was. Not quite lovers yet, there were a few hangups. Mostly Scout over-analyzing the whole thing and wondering if he’d ever liked Miss Pauling at all, or he’d led her on…

Sniper had made Spy explain the very concept of bisexual to the stressed-out runner, so he’d stop agonising over the whole 'attraction to both’ thing. To be fair, he’s pretty sure the topic had just never come up in Boston… after all, the runner’s third-eldest sibling had a boyfriend, and the family was totally fine with it. He was tying himself in knots for no reason.

But then, Sniper could relate.  
He used to overthink things to the point of near paralysis, when he was younger; sometimes even now, if he was too stressed out or they’d had a really bad match. The rest of the team would just designate someone to go out and stargaze with him, until it wore off; usually Scout, but Demo did it frequently too.

 

Because that was how his Mum had managed to snap him out of it. They’d go outside, stare up at the stars, and she’d point out constellations and celestial stories until all the constricting thoughts just ebbed away.

And after the first few times on base, it just became normal practice for a stressed-out merc to come out to the Camper at night, say nothing, and have Sniper usher them to the roof ladder. He’d tell them stories, point out constellations, even ones they’d done a thousand times before… because it was soothing. The main issue was getting everyone off the roof, when (usually the stressed out party) conked out from emotional exhaustion.

Sniper now had a box up there, bolted on so it didn’t fall off whilst driving, full of blankets and stuff. Made the whole thing a little less stressful.  
You just had to get up before morning, though, unless you fancied a wicked sunburn. Engie was working on some sort of automatic sunshade rig to shield any late-night worriers who'd slept over, when the sun rose; but it was still in progress for now.

 

Still, it was his favourite thing to do with the runner. Especially when it was just the two of them there because they wanted to be… no stress between them. It felt… right, had for a long time.

The insecurities were a hang-up though. Sniper had realised things had changed when Scout slowly, painfully slowly, took his hand, a few months back while staring up at the stars.  Sniper could feel how tense the runner was, like he was going to bolt if the sharpshooter even breathed wrong or flexed his fingers under the iron grip. To be honest, it’d been a bit since someone had wanted to hold his hand, high school maybe?

Still, it was a thrill of unexpected warmth, intimacy. And he slowly, just as painfully slowly, gave the bandaged hand a reassuring squeeze; hearing the runner exhale in relief and just about deflate beside him. They’d woken up leaning against one another, and sunburnt as a crisp; Medic had found it HILARIOUS as he treated them.

 

Sniper never should have brought up the Demo thing. He’d only been joking with the others about it, one night when everyone was a bit drunk, a bit less guarded about the things they said.

He thinks that was the night Demo finally managed to seduce the stoically insular Heavy/Medic duo… but he can never be sure. Not that switching it up between the mercs was inherently wrong, or even seen as promiscuous… they’d been here years, relationships formed and fell apart 'secretly’, and flings happened.  
The only real issue was if someone from BLU was making eyes at a RED; and vice versa. _That  sort of thing had to be dealt with before the Admin found out_. But as far as they knew, a few people had gone out of their way to subvert the no-interaction clause in their contracts… _just because they could_ , and also, predominantly because it was thrilling.

 

Sniper was incredibly aware of what the Scouts had done, and he’s pretty sure the other Sniper was too. Scopes, and all have a way of revealing what others don't want seen by additional parties. But, as he'd asked the runner later about it, in a roundabout way,  was the battlefield _really_ a good place for that sort of thing?  
Scout still hadn’t directly admitted to awkwardly making out with the other runner, and neither had the BLU to his team. Sniper really wanted to ask why, but he’s pretty sure it’s the same reason he saw Spy seducing the BLU Sniper in July last year at Vanguard…

_…because they could._

 

What else was there to do around here… but each other?  
That is to say, breaking rules was fun.

 

But even with all that daring action out there, most agreed that Demo was the best at what he did.  
And he’s pretty damn sure Scout was developing as much of a complex about it as his father seemed to be… though for entirely different reasons.

 

Sniper really should have checked if the runner was there before joking about it with Engie. Now he couldn’t even get the lanky bloke to even hold hands in private, it was pretty frustrating; and the others had noticed the sudden way the Scout had gone cold. No more  overt affection in the common room, or silly nicknames. Just... studious avoidance of Sniper whenever was possible. 

The sharpshooter could only dodge questioning, some downright accusing, glances for so long. Eventually Spy would find out, and they'd have to hire another sniper, because the espionage agent would bury him outside of respawn range for messing his son up. And, to be fair, Sniper's sure he'd do the same if roles were reversed, but he didn't fancy dying for real out in this place. Just wasn't sure what to do about it.

 

He’d told Demo, on a night when the explosives expert had come to visit him at the camper to stargaze. Arriving with a truly _obscene_ amount of booze; and laughingly explained his logic behind it being there as " _there are twice as many constellations if ye were drunk enough, laddie_ ".  
The Scot had laughed initially as Sniper had extolled his tale of confusion and woe, thought about it, and asked if he should try to woo 'the loud lad’ to fix it. Make it fair, so to speak.

Even though it was in jest, Sniper had gotten defensive over it, and turned it down.

 

“I was kidding lad…” Demo had reassured. “For one, I think maybe Spy has taken a fancy to me but he dinnae know it yet, and it’d be weird to mention I’d Frenched his son… or, well, _half-_ Frenched at least. His mother's an American, aye?"

Sniper burst out laughing at the statement, and Demo took the opportunity to sneak away the fourth bottle of beer, deeming the Aussie a tad too drunk to climb down from the roof safely as it stood.

“What I meant was… if you and the others are always talking up my abilities, to other blokes who have had a _lot_ of experience with other lasses and lads... and a few people who're decidedly neither… then how would it make ye feel if you had _none_ of it?” Demo questioned, sobering the conversation for a bit. He grinned, “Oh aye, I know about the Scout Class’ attempt at inter-team cooperation via snogging on the battlefield the other day, caught 'em by accident as I jumped past. But that isnae more or less experience than high school fumbling about when ye think your parents aren’t watching. And to have to follow someone like me, well, I don’t think he’s comfortable with the idea… not yet, at least.”

“Huh…” was all Sniper managed, suddenly realising a few things. He scratches the stubble on his chin, pensive. “So what should I do about it?”

“Oh that’s easy… just tell the lad everyone’s a bit shithouse when they first start out, and it’s like those video games he likes… you’ve gotta learn how through experience to, uh, level up.” Demo grins, nudging Sniper with his elbow in camaraderie, before immediately grabbing the sharpshooter so he wouldn’t topple over from the impetus. No sense of balance when he’s drunk, Sniper.

 

“Thanks mate.”

“Aye, no problem. Now, did I tell you about what I managed to do to that bloody BLU Spy today? Well, everytime Engie left spawn the bastard would…”

 

The tale echoed out into the night as the two men exchanged light-hearted stories of the more hilarious murders and deaths they’d experienced during that day’s battle.

\- - - -

Of course it was on top of the van, when it happened.  
Most things of importance tended to happen there…

 

After a long fortnight of no contact whatsoever, Scout was suddenly on his roof, snuggled in a blanket and staring up. Sniper saw it was his chance to talk things over with him, and climbed up slowly. Remaining in sight the entire trip.

“Hey…” Scout mumbles, not looking at him.

“G'day,” Sniper returns, he doesn’t like saying it much because it’s a stereotype, but Scout always seemed to like it. “Nice night. Mind if I sit?”

“S'your van, Snipes…” Scout’s still distant, mentally if not physically, Sniper realises.

 

He sits beside the runner.

“Look, you might know a few of the other guys… have spent time together in the last few years. Not all of them were flings, but they weren’t long enough for any of us to start getting anniversary gifts over. And yeah, I might have had a thing with Demo a few times… and some of the others… but it doesn’t mean I have any expectations from you.”

Scout’s eyes widened, and Sniper realised he needed to rephrase that statement.

“Calm down, bilby, I mean… everyone’s different. Some people have a lot of experience in some areas, and others don’t… but everyone starts off at zero, right? I mean, were you born playing baseball? Nah, you learned _how_ , and you got better. Probably fucked up a few times, hit the ball the wrong way, fell on your arse, knocked over the wickets, got distracted running towards the goal before you could get a touchpoint-… _what_?” Sniper pauses.

 

Scout’s laughing pretty hard. “Y-you don’t know how baseball wo-works do ya, Snipes?”  
He’s just about in tears at this point, pink-cheeked and gasping for air between gales of laughter. He’s never looked more adorable.

Sniper lets out a slight huff of amusement. “I know how to _Sports_ , Scout. There’s a ball, and running, sometimes sticks and you score a touchpoint if you get the wicket in the goal or something…” he says, getting it more wrong with every word just to see Scout continue laughing like that. Carefree and relaxed.

“Oh my god, I can’t-… Snipes… oh my god… I am teaching you baseball next time we get a weekend free… ' _touchpoint_ ’.” Scout was in hysterics, leaning against Sniper as he tried to catch his breath. Every now and again he’d wheeze ' _touchpoint_ ’ to himself, and start laughing all over again.

 

It took a while for the runner to calm down. He wipes his eyes on bandaged hands, an errant wheezy giggle escaping now and then, but finally relaxes against Sniper. Who can’t resist any longer and pecks him on the forehead. To which, the runner squirms and complains like a little kid.

“Aw man, Sniiiiiiiiiiipes, Ma used to do that in front of all my freakin’ friends… you have no idea how much I never heard the end of it…” Scout whines, turning to look at the Aussie. The bandaged hand closest grabs hold of Sniper’s own, and the grip is rock-solid, like the smiling runner is making a decision.

 

“I uh, I ain’t as good as Demo… probably shit at it really, but would you mind if we, uh… fuck, I had a whole thing for this but now all I can think about it ' _touchpoint_ ’…” Scout nearly chokes suppressing a laugh at the word again.

He really was pretty fucking adorable when he was like this, Sniper grinned.  
“You don’t need to ask, Scout, it’s fine… 'course we can.” He assures, and moves in closer, watching for any signs that they were about to have a loony-tunes moment… where he’d lean in to give the runner a kiss and find nothing but a Scout-shaped cloud of smoke. Wouldn’t put it past the speedy merc to beat a hasty retreat in the most cartoonish way possible.

 

But no, Scout’s still there when their lips meet. He seems to have some idea how it all works, which is a surprise, but Sniper tries to lead things in a direction that will circumvent clashing teeth. A hazard of excited teenage make-outs…

It was pretty good, all things considered, and he could see that realisation dawning all over Scout’s face. Slightly flushed, a little shocked, and grinning as they pulled away.

 

“See? You’re pretty good at it… just need a bit more practice and you’ll be right as rain.” Sniper says, putting an arm around the runner’s shoulders and delighting in the way Scout leaned back against him.

There was a lengthy silence, which was starting to concern the sharpshooter, before Scout spoke up.

“…I dunno, Snipes, it wasn’t that great…” he pauses, just long enough for Sniper to become slightly alarmed and a tiny bit offended, before continuing. “Think we might need a _loooot_ of practice…”

The aussie sharpshooter chuckles, kisses the smartass on the forehead just to watch him squirm away laughing, and says, “Much as you want, mate.”

\- - - -

 

Spy left Demo’s room the next morning, striving desperately for immaculate attire despite the evidence of rumpling and what might be some sort of mark peeking out from under the neckline of his mask. He straightened his tie as Engineer and Medic came around the corner, talking animatedly, only to screech to a halt and take in the espionage agent's current state of dishevelment with expressions of intrigued incredulity.

They looked him up and down,  eyes meticulously cataloguing anything out of place; his attire, his smug expression, the visible markings, those clearly just under his suit, the class symbol on the door behind him. And then back to Spy, looking him right in the eyes, with growing smirks of knowing amusement.

Spy snorts derisively. “If you think I look sufficiently dishevelled, you should see the other guy…” and walks off, not even bothering to cloak. Pleased to have won, if not the kissing segment of their little game, then the other various challenges the night had offered instead.

 

\- - - - 

When the pair finally do come face-to-face with one another again, that day, everyone in the room is suddenly _Very Busy_ and _Definitely Not Listening_.

 

“Lad, ye’ve one-upped me in some areas, and that was a surprise… but I’m pretty sure I still hold the title for best kisser on base…” Demo announces, grinning.

Spy closes the book he had been reading, carefully placing it down on the sofa before standing up to look Demo right in the eye.  
“Oh, you still cling to that notion, do you?”

 

“I won, ask any of the others, I’m good at what I do, Spook…” goads the explosives expert, making a sweeping gesture at the few other mercs gathered in the common room. Many of whom unconsciously nod in response to the broad statement. It was quite true. 

 

“Truly?” Spy says, appearance utterly nonchalant.  
And then the man smiles, all teeth and predatorial intentions; that's when Demo knows he has him hook, line and sinker.

“Round Two, then?” Demo queries.

“Oui… but let us have dinner together first, like civilised people.” Spy responds, heading for the kitchen.

 

It takes the other man a moment to catch up, and it hits him like a lightning bolt.  
The last the other mercs saw of Demo that night was the man racing out of the room, after Spy, yelling, “Did ye just ask me on a date, Spook?”

To which the answer was a slightly distance-muffled “ _Oui_.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Random Extra:
> 
> When Scout and Sniper finally came inside half an hour later, no one would look them directly in the eye or explain where the missing mercs were.
> 
> Sniper elbows the runner in the side genially. “Look at it on the bright side, bilby… you might end up with two dads outta this.”
> 
> It took Scout an hour to stop screaming.


End file.
